Quotes may contain spoilers! Proceed at your own caution! Different colors separate quotes. Also, if you have any quotes to add or any corrections to make, please e-mail me at squinty_squint@yahoo.com. Thanks!
1. Pilot
Angela: {to the customer service person at the airport} Excuse me. Uh, you have a computer glitch at the arrivals board.
Angela: *sighs* Hello? Sir, excuse me. Yoo-hoo.
Angela: Great. *unbuttons shirt to reveal pink bustier*
Angela: Yeah. Hi. The flight from
Brennan: *arriving behind Angela* Tell me you tried “excuse me” first..
Angela: Sweetie! Yes, I did. Welcome home. Oh! Are you exhausted? Was
Brennan: And yet I was never reduced to flashing my boobs for information.
Angela: Flash `em for any fun reasons?
Brennan: {to Booth} Don’t call me “Bones”!
Booth: A decomposed corpse was found this morning at
Bones:
Brennan: {to Booth} If you drive one more block I’m screaming “kidnap” out the window.
Booth: You wanna spit in my hand? We’re Scully and Mulder.
Brennan: I don’t know what that means.
Booth: Typical squint.
Brennan: I don’t know what that means.
Booth: Cops get stuck, we bring in people like you. You know, squints. You know, squint at things.
Brennan: Oh, you mean people with very high IQ’s and basic reasoning skills?
Booth: {while looking for the sunken body using an underwater camera} It’s like pornography, you’ll know it when you see it.
Goodman: I do not view you as property, Dr. Brennan. You are one of the Jeffersonian’s most valuable assets.
Zack: An asset is, by definition, property.
Goodman: What’s the rule Mr. Addy?
Zack: *sighing* You only converse with PhDs. You realize I’m halfway through two doctorates? Two halves make a whole so mathematically speaking-
Goodman: Go polish a bone, Mr. Addy.
Zack: Point of clarification, I’m not a virgin. Nowhere near, in fact.
Hodgins: Ha. Cover-up!
Booth: Paranoid conspiracy theory.
Hodgins: Is it paranoia that Monica Lewinsky was a K.G.B. trained sex agent mole?
Booth: What are you trying to do?
Brennan: Blackmail you.
Booth: Blackmail a federal agent?
Brennan: Yes.
Booth: I don’t like it.
Brennan: I’m fairly certain you’re not supposed to.
Brennan: I hate psychology, it’s a soft science.
Zack: A good hypothesis withstands testing. That’s what makes it a good hypothesis.
Zack: {to Booth} How much warning did you give people before you sniped them?
2. The Man in the S.U.V.
Brennan: I need surgical gloves and masks for the retrieval team, sterile medical bags, and vegetable oil.
Booth: Vegetable oil?
Brennan: The oil will loosen the seared body parts stuck to the metal. It’s not differ than a steak on a grill that sticks.
Booth: It’s okay. I trust you.
Zack: "Smokey" here had access to the President. Why would he attack a café?
Brennan: "Smokey"?
Zack: It’s how I deal with stress.
Hodgins: Targeting everyday places causes panic. People stay home. The economy is crippled. It’s Terrorism 101, man.
Hodgins: Are you even listening?
Zack: No.
Booth: I don’t enjoy having squints on my team any more than you like having me on yours. But, you know, we’re supposed to be working together, okay?
Hodgins: Sure. So what do we do? Group hug? *starts to hug Booth*
Booth: Agent Gibson here will be overseeing things from Homeland Security.
Agent Gibson: I’ll try not to be in the way.
Brennan: We don’t need to be overseen.
Booth: That’s really not your call, Bones. How soon can we get the DNA match?
Brennan: That’ll take days. I can get a match much sooner than that, I have all we need.
Agent Gibson: (skeptical) You’re gonna be able to ID him from that?
Zack, Hodgins, and Brennan: *stare at him*
Zack: Asking stuff like that is in the way.
Agent Gibson: *about to rest his hands on the table*
Hodgins: Don’t touch the table. Don’t touch the table!
Zack: All the trace evidence has been stripped. Hodgins scavenged as much as he could.
Brennan: Okay, let’s get started.
Zack: *takes down jars of beetles from shelf*
Booth: What the hell are those?
Zack: Dermestes maculates. *pours in beetles*
Brennan: Flesh-eating beetles. It’s how we clean the bones of burn victims.
Agent Gibson: Dr. Brennan, whatever you have there-
Brennan: It’s a piece of paper. That’s all. With some writing on it.
Brennan: Why don’t you reconstruct the skull, check it out?
Zack: My first cranial reconstruction!
Brennan: Evidence of multiple fractures to the bottom of the feet, consistent with methods of torture used in
Agent Gibson: So
Brennan: Yes.
Agent Gibson: What about the skull? You’re having the kid reconstruct-
Brennan: This is an educational institute. He wants to learn. Is that okay with you?
Hodgins: *sighs* I graduated top of my class, Rhodes scholar, youngest member inducted into the Academy of Physical Sciences, but she still makes me feel like a cretin.
Zack: {smug} She apologized to me.
Angela: {about Booth and his girlfriend, Tessa} Apparently, they live together a few times a week. But he made it very clear that she has her own place.
Zack: Should you be intruding in their lives like this?
Angela: *grinning* Oh yeah. Absolutely.
Angela: {about Brennan and Booth} Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Zack:
Angela: Please! She’s been sleeping alone for months. She has enough pent-up sexual energy to power a small Midwestern city.
Brennan: {about the bomb replication that Hodgins and Zack are making} What is that?
Zack: We used the trace elements we recovered to try and rebuild the bomb. It might give you another link.
Brennan: Isn’t the FBI working on that?
Hodgins: Yes. This is just for fun.
Brennan: To see who’s better?
Hodgins:
Brennan: Good luck.
Booth: You know, I need subtitles walking in here.
Zack: {about the flesh-eating beetles} You can’t kill them. They have names!
3. A Boy in a Tree
Angela: Who’s that with Zack?
Hodgins: Naomi from Paleontology. Naomi and Zack slept together about a month ago. Since then, she hasn’t returned a single call.
Angela: Oh.
Hodgins: You working on anything interesting?
Angela: Me? Yeah, yeah. A three-dimensional model of an Etruscan burial crypt.
Hodgins: Mh-hmm.
Angela: You?
Hodgins: Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Very exciting. Very exciting. Some, uh, silt profiles
Angela: Mmm. Mmm. *sighs* God! Etruscan burial crypts are so boring.
Hodgins: Oh, man, I know. I mean, silt profiles? You know what we need?
Angela: A murder investigation. Brennan and Booth are out front right now waiting for Zack.
Hodgins: What, there’s a case? Why didn’t you say so? Zack! You gotta go!
Angela: *watching Naomi leave* Oh, she really bolted. Doesn’t look good for Zack.
Hodgins: Come on, Zack. Shake it off, huh? Be a man.
Angela: You okay, honey?
Zack: She said, “Take a hint.” But when I asked, “What hint?” Naomi said that if she told me what hint, it wouldn’t be a hint anymore - it would be a statement.
Hodgins: You know what’s good? Throwing yourself into your work, huh?
Angela: You really do hate slime profiles. Have a little compassion.
Zack: I understood the individual words, but I do not comprehend her meaning.
Angela: Did you tell Naomi that?
Zack: Yes. She said ask your friends, if I have any.
Angela: *stares for a few moments* You know, Hodgins is right. Let’s not keep Booth waiting. Somebody is decomposing as we speak.
Hodgins: *pushing Zack towards the door* Get out there and bring us home a case, buddy.
Booth: {identifying himself for the security guard} FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth and a forensic anthropologist.
Brennan: Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian Institute.
Zack: *appearing from the back seat* Plus one crack assistant.
Booth: Huh. “Omnia mea mecum porto.” What’s that mean, huh? “Regular people stay out”?
Brennan and Zack: *stare at him like he’s stupid* “I carry with me all my things.”
Booth: Gentlemen. Give my forensic anthropologist some room.
Brennan: Your forensic anthropologist?
Brennan: *head falls from tree and she catches it* I’m gonna need an evidence bag.
Booth: *looking up* Heads up.
Brennan: *rest of body falls from tree* I’m gonna need a bigger bag.
Goodman: Without an investigation we can’t find out if it’s a murder. But there’ll be no investigation unless Dr. Brennan declares it to be a murder. Shall I send for a philosopher?
Zack: What did Naomi mean when she said, “Take a hint”?
Hodgins: Ooh.
Zack: What did I do wrong?
Hodgins: It’s not what you did wrong. It’s what you didn’t do.
Zack: Where do you learn this stuff?
Hodgins: Well, some things you learn by doing. Riding a bike, driving a car, pleasing a woman.
Zack: I can’t ride a bike or drive a car.
Hodgins: Or, apparently, please a woman.
Zack: I need specific instructions, a list of techniques to implement, or a sequence of moves.
Hodgins: I’m not really the guy to talk to about that.
Zack: Why not? You’ve slept with, like, 10,000 women.
Hodgins: Because our relationship is all about what’s up here. *points to Zack’s head* What you need to do is talk to someone more… earthy.
Booth: It’s not a suicide.
Brennan: Because Booth thinks that prep schools turn out entitled criminals.
Hodgins: We all went to private school. None of us are criminals.
Zack: In fact, we fight criminals. We’re crime fighters.
Booth: Finally. A squint with an open mind.
Angela: *grinning* You have no idea how open-minded I can be.
Booth: {to Brennan} Sure, you know, someone says, you know, “It smells” in a Spanish accent and all of a sudden you’re like “Hm… Interesting.”
Booth: Enjoyment is the opposite of suicide.
Brennan: {about the CD collection} These aren’t organized.
Booth: Well, you know, girls, they organize alphabetically. Guys are more organic, you know? Good stuff up to the left, crap - bottom right.
Zack: {about the sex tape} This is pretty kinky stuff.
-Later-
Hodgins: That was not wild and kinky sex. It was very, very basic beginner stuff. *pats on shoulder* Just so you know.
Zack: I had sex with Naomi in Paleontology.
Angela: You mean actually in Paleontology?
Zack: *whispering* Sometime, when you’re not busy, I wonder if I could ask you a few questions about sexual positions?
Booth: If you even try, I will take out my gun and shoot you between the eyes.
Angela: When you’re with someone, the gymnastics aren’t what matter. It’s who you are. It’s in your intentions, and how much you care about the other person.
Zack: If you don’t wanna help me, just say so.
Angela: All right. I’m gonna let you in on a secret. This is a female secret. Go to Naomi and tell her that you don’t know anything about lovemaking. Sex, yeah. Lovemaking – you’re a blank slate. You’ll do anything she wants if she just introduces you to the secrets of love. She’ll be more interested in that than if you were the most imaginative lover on the planet.
Zack: That is totally counterintuitive.
Angela: Just do it, Z-man. Reap the benefits of my sexual wisdom.
Booth: Just because you say it in that definitive tone doesn’t mean it means anything to me.
Goodman: It’s time to live a little, Temperance, connect with other people.
Brennan: Are you suggesting that I take this opportunity to have sex with Booth on a field trip?
Goodman: *sighs* Come on now. You’ve partially digested, dismembered skeletal remains to examine. That should put a smile on your face.
Booth: You’re a smart-ass. You know that?
Brennan: Objectively I’d say I’m very smart, although it has nothing to do with my ass.
Booth: You know, it’s beautiful here. Feels good to be out of the city.
Brennan: Yeah. Where murderers feed their victims to bears.
Booth: (about
Brennan: Where are you going?
Booth: To see the sheriff.
Brennan: How are you gonna do that?
Booth: It’s an old FBI trick. I’m gonna ask somebody who lives here.
Brennan: What took you to
Booth: I went down to shoot somebody through the heart from 1,500 feet.
Zack: But to me it just looks broken.
Angela: I could work it up into a three-dimensional image, see if that helps.
Zack: Dr. Brennan could do it from this.
Angela: Not when she was a lowly grad student, Zack. Upload all of the digital information Brennan sent you into my mainframe. And lighten up, “Z”-man.
Hodgins: All I’m asking is why cut somebody into pieces?
Zack: Pack `em up tighter maybe. Say, in a suitcase.
Hodgins: How did a bear open a suitcase?
Zack: I saw a documentary once where a bear got in a car and drove away.
Hodgins: That was not a documentary. It was a cartoon.
Courier (Toni): Hello. I’m looking for a Zack Addy. I’ve got a package of human remains.
Zack: *freezes and stares*
Hodgins: I can sign for that. Where’s Jimmy.
Toni:
Hodgins: Is it too much of a line to say, no, we won the lottery? It is, yeah. You know, I take it back. It’s just, compared to you, Jimmy, you know-
Toni: The third nostril.
Hodgins: That whistling sound when he sneezes. *sighs* Unfortunately it is too soon to ask you to have coffee.
Toni: It is?
Hodgins: Yes, yes. Coffee is the third-delivery capper.
Toni: So, what’s the first-delivery capper?
Hodgins: Initial contact – meet cute, light flirting.
Toni: Then I’ll catch you in another couple of deliveries.
Hodgins: Okay. Bye.
Zack: You bogarted my package.
Hodgins: You panicked and froze, my man. Thus the package came into play. Also, incorrect use of the verb “bogarted.”
Brennan: Okay, I’m linked.
Zack: (from the speaker) I’ve been focusing on, Dr. Brennan-
Charlie: So, who’s that?
Brennan: My assistant, Zack.
Charlie: Hey, Zack.
Zack: Who’s that?
Brennan: The overnight guy – Charlie. Okay, I’m set up. You can send me the picture.
Charlie: Hey Zack, does your boss have a boyfriend?
Zack: Not currently. Are you extremely good-looking?
Charlie: Yes, I am Zack.
Brennan: Zack, these are bite marks.
Zack: You mean from the bear?
Brennan: No. Black bears have premolars that are small and peg-like. These marks show a double-cusp pattern.
Zack: Pigs are double-cusped.
Charlie: Hey Zack, are you extremely smart?
Zack: Yes, I am Charlie.
Brennan: Pigs have six incisors. These marks were made by four incisors like a chimp, except- These teeth form a continuous arch.
Charlie: So, what’s got a continuous arch?
Zack: Humans.
Angela: Somebody gnawed on this arm like some kind of man corn?
Hodgins: According to that Peruvian soccer team that crashed in the
Angela: As though I need another reason never to eat frogs.
Zack: I’m gonna make a cast of these markings. I wont’ get a full dental impression, but we’ll at least get something.
Random Guy: Zack. You’re needed upstairs.
Hodgins: Angela. If we were a Peruvian soccer team and crashed in the
Angela: *sighs*
Hodgins: What?
Toni: I have a package for Zack Addy.
Zack: That’s me.
Toni: I thought – there was the other guy.
Zack: That was Hodgins. He zoomed you because you’re so beautiful.
Toni: Thanks. That’s sweet.
Zack: I’m not being sweet. It’s just a fact.
Toni: How old are you?
Zack: Twenty-four.
Toni: Twenty-four. I can just eat you up.
Hodgins: You knew I was waiting to see her again.
Zack: You said you were waiting for your bear poop. I said, “Are you excited about the excrement or the courier?” You said, “What do you think?”
Hodgins: You actually thought I was excited about excrement?
Zack: You have to be clear.
Hodgins: (about Toni) She likes me more than she likes you.
Zack: She said I was sweet.
Hodgins: I made her laugh at Jimmy’s third nostril.
Angela: *laughs* That’s pretty good – making a woman laugh at a third nostril.
Hodgins: We have a tentative coffee date.
Zack: She said she wanted to eat me up.
Angela: Zack’s definitely ahead on points.
Brennan: Everybody’s pumping me.
Booth: Sorry?
Brennan: For information on the case.
Angela: Did you work all night?
Hodgins: Yes. I shaved the truffle.
Angela: Is that anything like spanking the monkey?
Denise Randall: There’s not a lot to do in a place like
Brennan: And autopsy on an animal is called a necropsy.
Denise Randall: Yeah, there’s a reason I get all the guys and you don’t.
Brennan: Moments like this are why I need a gun.
Booth: *pulls a gun out of his boot*
Brennan: Where else do you keep them?
Brennan: What if I have to shoot? What part of his body should I hit?
Booth: The part that isn’t me.
Zack: Why do we have to face her together?
Hodgins: You want this settled or what?
Zack: I’d definitely like this settled.
Hodgins: (to Angela) What are you doin’ here?
Angela: Are you kidding? It’s like watching “The Clash of the Horny Titans.”
Toni: Who’d like to sign for this?
Hodgins: Who wouldn’t wanna sign for it?
Toni: So, the idea is, whoever signs for this-
Zack: Yes. The act of signing is an analog for choosing-
Hodgins: She gets it.
Toni: *clicks tongue, looks them over*
Angela: Oh.
Toni: *hands to Angela*
Angela: Oh. Oh. *signs* That is really sweet. Thank you. *fans self with envelope*
Hodgins: That is so hot.
Zack: Why? Why is that hot? It’d be hotter if she’d chosen me.
Hodgins: Nah. This is definitely hotter.